Monday October 17th

Over the past few months, having left active Ministry in what was a traumatic, hurtful and confusing way, I have been so glad of the help and support I've received from family and friends, along with the counselling offered, which has been generously funded by the diocese. I don't know that I would have chosen to seek counselling, but I'm glad I was directed to do so. It has proved extremely helpful in all kinds of ways, and I feel it's helped open the way to my gaining a deeper understanding of how I relate to others, what motivates my emotional response to situations, and how I make decisions. If this helps me to be more disciplined and controlled as I continue on my life's journey, that's good . . .

But at the same time I've also been conscious that through this time I've been turned in on myself in ways that could be damaging, and the counselling could, if I don't use well what it's given me, encourage a somewhat narcissistic self-centredness - not so good. As I look back, I can see how often so much of my thinking time has been centred on my own needs, hurts, fears, sadnesses. Of course, that's not a complete surprise; indeed, to a degree that was bound to happen and needed to happen - after all, I had some deep seated personal issues to address before I could ever think of moving forward. But at some point (now, in fact) all the "me" stuff has to be placed firmly on one side, or I'll get stuck in a bad place. Authentic living is living with others in mind and heart.

The communion service I attended with my mother yesterday - in a church I'd never been to before, but where we found a warm welcome - ended with the words "Our worship is over; now our service begins. Go in peace, to love and serve the Lord" (and we responded, "Thanks be to God"). The response is in the set liturgy, of course, but I hadn't come across the first sentence before. I liked it; even worship, even meeting with our Lord at his Table, can become a sterile and harmful thing when we do it for its own sake, or just to show that we belong; for the worship God seeks to call out of us is something purposeful, from which he sends us out to serve.

I suppose all I really want to say here is that I hope the experience of my own past few months will also develop into something purposeful, and for that I need to find the discipline and vision to re-contextualise, to discern God's will and ways, to start to look outwards again after having been looking inwards for so long. It's time to re-engage with ministry (small 'm', to begin with), and to get on with real life in the real world.