Coping

For any readers who are taking an interest in these things, I have to say that yesterday's interview with my diocesan bishop did not contain much to encourage me. The invitation to meet him had seemed a positive thing, and I had expected something concrete might be on offer. In fact, nothing at all was, and, having driven a distance on a rough and wet morning to be there, I had the distinct and definite feeling of having been strung along.

Of course, he has to be seen, not least by his peers, to be doing the right thing. And he does have a very good point, in saying that while I am living where I am it would be difficult if not impossible to place me back into any kind of active ministry. I have to think myself into his shoes, and ask what would be the wise and prudent decision to make, bearing in mind where the buck stops. However, I do hope that sooner or later he or someone else is prepared to take the risk with me that will need to be taken, not least because I am confident that, with the help of God, I can deliver on that trust.

There was a time, however, during the course of our meeting, where I had the distinct impression of being conformed into a distorted image of myself. It felt like being in the hall of mirrors at a fun-fair: you know it is you in the glass, but it isn't the you that you normally see and recognise. Nonetheless, it may be true, or at least contain some elements of me I've not properly seen or understood before. But I have, I believe, acted with integrity, faith and solemn purpose, to the best of my ability, since this period of my life began; and, however shaken or disheartened I may feel today, I can only continue to do the same. Anything else would do damage to people I care about, while being ultimately unproductive. After all, in the last instance, as I've said before - it isn't (just) about me.