In just a few words, on a grey and rainy next-to-last day of the year . . . It's been a busy year so far as world events are concerned, a year of immense upheaval in my own life too. I am no longer able to be what I felt, and feel, called and set apart to be, and the experience is hard and painful. Perhaps next year I may use this space to tell the story more fully, but for now suffice to say that I shall be glad to be rid of 2011, and (artificial though the break may be between one year and the next, after all in medieval times the year began on March 25th) the New year allows me opportunity to hope and to plan for new beginnings.
And yet 2011, for all its pain, has been a journey worth making, with, along the way, some good times and occasions of blessing. If there has been a great deal of bad stuff as well, much of that has been self inflicted. As I worked through the pain I can think of people who could have treated me with more consideration and understanding than perhaps they did, but also of many more for whose care and love and practical support I am so very grateful (and for their prayers too, where they have been praying people).
I cannot look back in anger - what reason would I have for doing so? Even regret is in the end pointless and, at its worst, disabling. What has happened has happened, and my task is to use my experience of failure and falling for good and godly ends. I am assured of God's forgiveness for my faults and failings; but to receive it I must learn to forgive myself, and this, I think, will take time and effort.
As I prayed for help and support one day not long before Christmas, I was given the answer, "All you need to do is to fall into my arms." I feel sure that 2012 can be for me a year of blessing and renewal - a process that begins as I set myself to trust in the Lord, whose promise is: "beneath you are the everlasting arms."
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