Taking Stock

Last week was not as wearing as I had feared, though for various reasons it did have its sleepless moments.  I had a significant meeting to attend, which seemed to point up some big decisions to make, and perhaps a case to argue.  What might be on the table, I wondered? Not so much, as it turned out;  well, nothing dramatically life-changing, anyway.  So I suppose the meeting failed to produce all that I had hoped for in the way of progress and direction, and the case I had thought I might make for myself rather faded away to nothing almost as I tried to articulate it. I am rarely at my best in meetings like this, especially in interview and one-to-one situations, and it would have been easy for me to have come away feeling really frustrated, and full of clever and cogent things I could have said if only I had thought of them at the time - but that isn't actually how I felt afterwards at all.  In fact I think all went as well as it really could have.  I felt listened to and understood, and also informed and encouraged.  And, I think, valued, cared about.

Now that's as it should be, of course.  If the Church can't be caring and pastoral, who can?  If broken people can't come here to be mended, where can they go?  But, third question: where does all of this leave me, as a Christian and as a minister?  It is clear that for the foreseeable future I shall, in my retirement, continue to set aside my orders as a priest, and to operate as, to all intents and purposes, a lay member of the Church.  And if I'm to be truly honest with myself, this is for the present where I feel comfortable and right.  For I do not feel the call to leadership, nor do I have much of a sense that I can or should be offering a sacramental ministry.  That this sense of call should still be absent remains something of a surprise to me, the more so as I sense a growing awareness of being called to serve God in pastoral and teaching activities.  One thing that has become clear is that the opportunity can be there for me to do this, with the Church's blessing and encouragement, and perhaps this may in itself awaken and enable other things.

The most important thing is that here I am, in almost every way in which these things can be measured, a well, happy and balanced man.  And if part of me would like there to be a closure that my journey thus far has not brought me to, and I remain a 'work in progress', I can find assurance in being given things to say or do, in finding a quiet but real and sustaining faith, and in being offered the opportunities, friendships and systems of support that will enable me to move forward.  I have hope, and I have the love of my Lord.  I do not need anything more than this.